March 11, 2026

The Million-Dollar Fight: How Family Conflicts Can Turn Your Marriage Into a Diamond

Dear readers, let's be honest: many of you think that family arguments aren't the end of the world — just a spicy seasoning for your relationship. Can you live without conflicts? Not a chance! Even people who love each other deeply will eventually butt heads. But is it safe?

Disagreements can arise before the wedding, during the planning process, and even when you're both already sporting shiny wedding bands.

In the Chinese language, the word "conflict" is formed by combining two characters — one meaning "danger" and the other meaning "opportunity." In other words, conflict isn't just a test of strength — it's also a chance for growth.

Professional psychologists agree, but with a caveat: "In family relationships, what matters isn't the number of conflicts, but the quality of their resolution."

A conflict handled well can actually strengthen a relationship, while unresolved tensions that get pushed down tend to accumulate and can lead to serious problems down the road — even divorce. The ability to constructively resolve disagreements is a skill that needs constant development for building healthy, long-lasting relationships.

To help sort all this out and learn how to manage our emotions, we invited an expert. Evgenia Shagina, a practical psychology specialist and author of the "SHAGINAVERKH" project, shares the secrets to a happy, light, and wise life.

— Evgenia, are disagreements in a family dangerous, and can they be avoided?

— A conflict is essentially a discussion or debate that wasn't conducted or concluded in a healthy way. Debates and discussions themselves aren't dangerous. For young couples, they're actually necessary — that's how a new worldview is created: a family worldview. But a "useful" argument isn't about proving who's right. It's about expanding your perspective and creating a shared vision.

For example, imagine a young couple discussing how to spend their Sundays. The husband thinks it's a great idea to continue his family's tradition of Sunday dinners together. But in the wife's family, Sundays meant everyone reading books in their own room. Or maybe they went hiking. Some people want to continue family traditions, others categorically refuse and happily look for new options. And some want to learn about each other: listen, be surprised, admire — and then create their own traditions based on this new knowledge.

What's dangerous isn't the clash itself, but how it gets resolved. A normal dialogue or debate becomes problematic when neither side is willing to compromise — when the only goal is to prove you're right. Being able to stand your ground is a great life skill, but you shouldn't practice it on your loved ones. It raises the question: why did you start a family? To strengthen each other by creating something shared (from children to ideas), or to glorify yourself with your "rightness"?

Life without contradictions is possible when spouses share similar values: for instance, a complete rejection of physical punishment for children, or unconditional respect for the older generation.

If a couple got married too quickly, different values can become a serious obstacle to peaceful coexistence. Curiosity, openness, and accepting your partner as they are — that's the foundation of a conflict-free environment.

— What family problems do people come to you with?

— Most commonly:

"He/she doesn't understand me";
"He/she is using me";
"Our parents interfere in our life, and we don't know how to politely set boundaries";
"I give her a car as a gift, and she turns up her nose, doesn't want to accept it";
"My mother-in-law irritates me, I can barely contain myself around her";
"My husband puts his parents and sister first, and I'm in tenth place";
"He spends money on his child from a previous marriage, and I think it's unfair";
"He won't let me work, and I'm suffocating at home" or the opposite: "I don't want to work, but he's forcing me";
"My daughter-in-law doesn't appreciate anything — I try so hard for them, and she turns her nose up."

— What are the main causes of arguments and disagreements? What's more important — everyday disagreements or psychological ones?

— The main cause of disagreements is that people haven't psychologically "grown up." Those who have reached an adult position don't usually need to see a specialist. They're capable of forming a union based on unconditional respect for their partner and others in general. When both people in a couple are equals, every point of view has a right to exist.

The other two positions are parent and child. They exist in a person simultaneously, turning life into an emotional roller coaster. One moment a woman says: "I'm a girl, I don't want to decide anything, I just want a dress!" The next moment she's nagging her husband because he bought the "wrong" dress, made the "wrong" decision, and "ruined everything." Her psychological age jumps from a five-year-old, where the main word is "I want," to that of a mother, when she starts "educating" her spouse and telling him what he should do. The same thing happens with men. How can you possibly reach an agreement? That's why spouses simply need to grow up. It doesn't matter what the specific disagreements are about — what matters is whether people in a family can find solutions that work for everyone.

I know a couple where he's Azerbaijani and she's Buryat. Different cultural traditions and religious beliefs don't stop them from living happily.

— What is a family relationship crisis?

— It's a period of discord caused by significant changes in the couple's life. People were living with similar values, and then suddenly — bam — external events happened, and one person's worldview changed. But the other person didn't change! That's when you need to sit down at the negotiating table, discuss the situation, and agree on life under new circumstances.

Essentially, all of human and family life consists of "crises." The wedding is the first test. You have to make a ton of decisions and discuss countless questions. Having a baby is the second test. Intimacy (or lack thereof) during pregnancy and after childbirth is a crisis situation. Buying an apartment, raising a child, daycare, school, illnesses, job losses, parents passing away, children growing up — these are all pressure factors that can trigger a relationship crisis. But what truly matters is that people respect each other and are willing to negotiate.

Psychological "children" run to their mothers or straight to divorce. Adults find ways to overcome the problems that knocked them off course. An external crisis is a consequence of internal processes. When a person has peace and calm inside, they perceive external storms as thunder rumbling far away.

— How do you resolve family conflicts? What should and shouldn't you do?

— The main rules:

Don't act rashly or make quick decisions;
Don't resort to insults;
Don't issue ultimatums.

I remember a real case. During an argument, one spouse said: "Well then, let's get divorced," and the other replied: "Fine." And they did. Later, they couldn't even remember what caused the divorce.

In every conflict, both sides contribute equally. So after an argument, saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong to raise my voice at you — I need to learn to express my thoughts more calmly" is completely normal.

Don't bring a third party into your disputes. Or if you do, it should be a neutral person, not a support team — not parents or friends.

In a difficult moment, it's good to listen to your partner's point of view without interrupting. After your partner has spoken, before unloading your own grievances, it's better to ask:

"Could you clarify? I don't quite understand."
"Am I understanding correctly that you mean this and that?"

After getting clarifying answers, you might realize that nobody meant to offend you, and your positions in the argument are actually quite close. Often people argue because they use the same words but mean different things.

If a rift has already happened, you need to react to it in a healthy way — express your boiling emotions without harming others. I suggest using dynamic meditation: take a brisk walk and breathe actively as you go. "Exhale" all your negativity and "inhale" love and tenderness. Walk and mentally say to yourself: I inhale love, I exhale anger; I inhale tenderness, I exhale rage; I inhale understanding, I exhale confusion. At first these will just be words, then feelings will join the words. It's best to end this meditation by inhaling and exhaling only love.

— Is there a way to get through conflict calmly? Can you prepare in advance for tense situations?

— Wisdom in relationships doesn't come with age on your passport, but with experience and knowledge. I often advise young couples to observe families they admire. "Borrow" good ideas, adopt certain behavioral techniques. But most importantly — learn to understand yourself and your feelings.

Ideally, there should be courses in psychological literacy. Modern people intuitively understand the importance of education and go to learn. But for a harmonious family life, you don't need two degrees. It's enough to learn to understand the processes within yourself. When you understand and accept yourself, you treat other people more consciously too.

To become psychologically adult, you'll have to learn to see the world as multifaceted. Don't be afraid to turn the kaleidoscope — the picture won't fall apart, it will just become different, and no less beautiful.

— Psychological literacy sounds great… but where do you get it? Where do you turn if you don't have it?

— Unfortunately, psychological literacy really isn't "given" anywhere. Our parents raised us as best they could, the way they thought was right, and we should thank them for that.

I can't speak for everyone, but in my practice, I use an innovative approach I call the "School of Calm." It's not about memorizing theory — it's about understanding yourself better through simple exercises. You know how it is — you're working on a problem, and suddenly "click" — everything falls into place? That's how it works with us: learning happens through insight, through "aha" moments. Through answering questions, a person experiences "flashes" of consciousness — new neural connections form, and this knowledge becomes their own. It's not something taken from outside, but something personal, born from within. I call it "initiated wisdom."

Don't wait for the storm to hit — arm yourself with wisdom in advance. It's like learning to swim not when someone suddenly throws you in the water, but according to plan and in a calm environment. It's the same with relationships — it's better to learn to resolve conflicts before they become a problem.

Every couple is unique, and there are no universal solutions. But if you "grow up" — learn to understand yourself and your partner, ask the right questions, communicate openly and calmly — then consider yourself halfway to harmonious relationships.

The EventForMe editorial team extends heartfelt thanks for this conversation to Evgenia Shagina, practical psychologist and author of the "SHAGINAVERKH" project.